Five Ways Writing is Like Marriage

Tomorrow, my husband and I celebrate 22 years of marriage. It’s been an incredible journey so far, full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Over our marriage, we’ve had six homes, three dogs, and two kids. Most marriage experts suggest continuing to date our spouse long after the wedding to maintain the relationship and infuse the union with fresh life. There’s never a time in marriage that proclaims, “We’ve arrived.” The actual wedding isn’t the end-all and be-all because the marriage is ongoing and therefore, so is the necessary work to maintain it.

As I pondered my husband’s and my many years together, I realized it’s so much like writing. Just as in marriage, writing is an ongoing pursuit, a lifelong endeavor. At least that’s the approach I take. Here are five ways I believe writing is like marriage:

It’s a commitment

The stats don’t lie. About fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. That breaks my heart more than a little. When two people marry, theoretically, it’s a commitment. Exchanging vows, pledging love, declaring “till death us do part” indicates a high level of commitment, a dedication to showing up day after day and putting in the work. Because, yes, it takes work to make a marriage survive and thrive. It’s a choice to prioritize the marriage, to stay and make the effort to ensure the marriage is as good as it can be.

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit. -Richard Bach

So it is with writing. As a writer, the only way the work gets done is to commit to show up each day and labor to put words on the page. Some days are hard – so hard – just as in marriage. Some days I just don’t feel it, and I’d rather check out and not show up. But the only way to get to the good stuff – the best stuff – is to stay disciplined and put in the work, staying focused and prioritizing the writing. 

You learn as you go (and hopefully get better over time)

I wasn’t born innately knowing how to be married. Obviously I’d witnessed dozens of marriages – good and bad – growing up and had an idea of how I thought marriage would and should be. But most of it would be trial and error, learning as I went. I could seek counsel from friends, read books on marriage, and attend marriage conferences to learn more about being a good spouse. And hopefully, with God’s help, I’d get better at it as I grew more experienced in marriage.

As a writer, I’m still new to the world of publishing. And while I took many writing-related classes throughout my formal education, I’m even now continuing to learn, grow in the craft of writing, gain more knowledge in publishing, and understand what it takes to become successful. I read craft books, participate in online forums, and attend writers conferences, hoping each step I take earns me more wisdom and experience as a writer. The only way to get better as a writer is to keep doing it, learning as much as I can as I go.

It’s all about communication

Communication issues are routinely listed as a top cause of marital problems. The goal of effective communication is mutual understanding. The benefits of healthy communication (especially in a marriage) are myriad: building trust, gaining understanding, sharing of hopes and dreams, avoiding misunderstandings or unnecessary conflict, just to name a few. Being a good communicator is about more than just being able to make your own point. Communication has to be about the other person, too. Being a good listener is key.

Good communication is also crucial to writing. Having a great idea is one thing; being able to communicate it effectively is another thing altogether. Whether through fiction or nonfiction, being able to get a message across and connect with readers is the ultimate goal. The mutual understanding in this case is between the writer and readers. It’s also between the writer and the professionals who help get a story published. As a writer, I have to be a good listener, too. I need to have an understanding of who my target reader is and what they want. And I need to listen to the advice of experts to make my work the best it can be.

It’s sometimes bad but can be made good (you can fix your mistakes)

Couples will go through peaks and valleys. No marriage is perfect, and sometimes there will be the need for course correction. Mistakes will be made and require effort to fix them. It’s important to have a teachable spirit and humility to allow adaptation and setting things right.

The correlation to writing is easy to see on this point. A writer’s first draft is often bad. Like, so bad. Freelance writer and editor Tom Albrighton said, “Write without fear, edit without mercy.” The point of the first draft is to get your idea out of your brain, to pour out the story on the page. The point of the edit(s) is to organize it, to make it better, to hopefully make it great. A first draft will be riddled with problems, so it’s imperative to spend the time and effort to make it right. Humility and a teachable spirit are as equally important for writers as they are for spouses.

Community helps

As a newly married couple, my husband and I found a community of other newlyweds to navigate our fledgling union with. It was incredibly beneficial to have friends who understood what we were going through as we merged our two lives into one. This community was there to advise, encourage, challenge, and celebrate with us. And we were able to provide the same for them. I can’t imagine those early years without those precious friends who helped us make our marriage better.

The same goes for writing. I’ve found an incredible writing community that makes my writer life infinitely better. They cheer me on, push me, guide me, and provide invaluable wisdom. Even though we’re each on our own path, we naturally understand one another just by all of us being writers. It’s a brotherhood/sisterhood thing, we’re bonded by virtue of being writers on the journey together. We share our victories, rejections, celebrations, and frustrations. And the journey for each of us is richer for it.

Traditional wedding vows call us to be all-in with a marriage: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish, till death us do part. These vows work nicely for writers in their pursuit, as well, don’t you think?

p.s. Happy Anniversary, Babe! Thanks for being my biggest supporter in life and on my writing journey. I love you!